To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"