To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.