To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.