Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

To me, comedy is a game.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.