I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.