I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.