If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"