If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.