If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.