Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.