Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.