I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.