I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.