When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.