When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.