My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.