My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.