My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.