My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.