I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.