I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.