I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.