I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.