I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed