Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.