Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.