Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.