Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.