The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.