Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.