Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

To me, comedy is a game.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.