Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.