Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

To me, comedy is a game.