I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.