I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.