If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.