I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.