When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.