When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.