Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"