A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"