To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.