A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.