The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
Demetri MartinWhenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri MartinTiming is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
Demetri MartinI still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Demetri Martin