A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.