At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.