To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.