To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.