To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.