To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'