Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.