If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.