If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.