Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.