Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.