I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.