I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

Clowns have no respect for pie.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.