When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.