When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.