I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.