My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?