My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."