My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.