My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.