Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Clowns have no respect for pie.

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.