Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

To me, comedy is a game.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"