The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

To me, comedy is a game.

I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.