The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.