The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.