The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!