A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.