A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.