If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

I love Steven Wright.