If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.