Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.