I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.