I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.