I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.