As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.