As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really mind sucking at something as long as I'm getting a little bit better at it along the way.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.