I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?