I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.