Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.