Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.