There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.