There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.