There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"