There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.