There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.