A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.