But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.