But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.