I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.