I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.