I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.