I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.