I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?