I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.