Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?